The iConspiracy

In one of Jon’s recent posts on FutureNow, he waxes on sublimely about the virtues of iPhoto. In another, he copies the post from a blog of a friend who was lured to the Dark Side by the iTouch, just another example, he says of Apple gaining market share. He does not realize that this is all a part of Mr. Jobs and The Woz conspiracy to take over the world. He does not see the sinister, mind-controlling plot the way I do. He is younger, less mature, easily distracted by new gadgets and shiny things. Yes, evil plot. Remember when Bill Gates et al were sued for breaking of anti-trust laws? Of course you don’t. Nobody cares when PC suffers (and to Gates $800,000 is pocket change-he probably wouldn’t stoop over to pick it up on the sidewalk) But do you think Mac will get sued for their attempt to infiltrate EVERY MARKET KNOWN TO MAN? Of course not. Mac is cool. Mac is young, hip, shiny, cutting edge, intuitive. Mac can do no wrong! Does my eldest, supposed man of God, not realize that Steven Jobs and his ilk are controlled by the Devil! Does he not realize that when you rearrange the letters of “Steven Jobs and his ilk”, you get “evil s.o.b. Satan”? (Of course you have to use the ‘a’ twice, and have a bunch of letters left over, but that shouldn’t take away from the obvious warning.) You think I jest? You think I exaggerate? Moi? Here is just a short list of some of the iGadgets available that you may or may not have known about.

If you go to the Apple Store you can find the MacBook, MacBook pro, Mac mini, iMac, the iPhone, iTouch, iPod-all versions of course-the nano, shufle, and classic, plus assorted accessories and docking stations. But do you have any idea how far reaching the long arm of the “i” is? According to Apple and iTunes, life is apparently a soundtrack that you just need to download your music too. Or something like that. To prove this point, there are countless docking stations to wake you up, put you too sleep, and keep you company in between. Plus nearly every activity is becoming icompatible.

You can Tune your Run with your iPod sport kit and Nike shoes. Yeah baby! “You don’t just take iPod nano on your run. You let it take you. Music is your motivation. But what if you want to go further? Thanks to a unique partnership between NIKE and Apple, your iPod nano becomes your coach.”

Not a runner? George Foreman and Apple have teamed up to make the iGrill. “This unique appliance not only grill but plays music to set the mood . . .” You might think I’m making this up but you would be wrong. Not a runner nor a carnivore? Well here’s an iGadget everyone can relate to. How about the iCarta iPod Stereo Dock and Bathroom Tissue Holder? Yes, apparently this is needed because there are people who sit on the pot long enough to listen to their playlist shuffle because they forgot to bring the entire Encyclopedia Britannica to read. Let me just say one word. Hemorrhoids! By the way, exactly which soundtrack does one use while sitting on the pot?

In the U.K., you can purchase a pram with docking station. So you can listen to music as you take your child for a stroll? Wrong. The speakers are for the infant. Yes, play those lull-a-byes and nursery rhymes. For heavens sake, don’t interact with you kid! There is a bread machine with docking station . . . because  . . . people need to listen to music . . . to keep them from getting bored while they . . . watch . . . dough . . . rise? Do people really do this? If you want to multi-task, you could get an iPond and watch your Siamese Fighting Fish swim around in very small circles in a very small tank as you watch your bread dough rise. Again, soundtrack suggestions are needed. By the way, you might want to wait on the iPond as fish rights activists are pretty upset about the inhumanity of the tank size for the iPond.

Recently, two different friends sent me an email about the latest iAccessory to hit the market in the near future, the iBoob: a silicone implant that can download music. It is said that this will make both sexes happy as this will end women’s complaint that men just stare at their chests but never listen to them.

I don’t think this is real, but I would not put it passed modern make-a-quick-buck-by-jumping-on-the-band-wagon mentality to commercialize anything and everything associated with the fad du jour. So I guess in the mean time, I should try to figure out a way to jump on the ibandwagon myself. After all, Larry wants to retire in a couple years and a little extra cash from a cool invention can never hurt. Oooo! I wonder if anyone has figured out how to turn the Pet Rock into a docking station? I think I better Google that.